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Inside My Mind

September 25, 2009

For the first time since I’ve really known him, I am insecure with CK. I feel off balance. I am questioning the things I thought were fundamental. I’m crying. I want to grab onto him and have him comfort me, and yet that is the very last thing I need to be doing right now.
Before the Facebook bitch, before CK knew about the debacle with Big, before when we were (sort of) just the two of us, CK said all he wanted was to be with me. He said being with me was better than being with anyone else. He said he’d spend every night with me if he could. He said he wished I would see him more. He said he would come and watch me do housework just to be near me. I felt wanted and loved. And in turn, I fell for him. For me, that was the largest part of his charm. Of course there were other things. Similar interests. How well he treats me. But above them all was the way he clearly wanted me. He wanted to spend every night together and the only reason we didn’t was because I needed more space. He would do anything to lure me to his place more often. He wanted to move in together.

Then we broke up. Damage was done to both of us. I know that changes things. But despite it all we still loved each other, and we found each other again. And now we are here, just the two of us. There is no girl he flirts with when I’m not looking. There is no guy I sleep with when he’s not looking. There are no secrets. There is only us. And I have finally let go. I have finally let myself want to be with him as much as he wanted to be with me. I have opened myself up completely and laid myself bare. He has all of me whenever he wants it.

In my mind, this meant we’d spend the tons of time together he always wanted. It meant we could be what he always asked for and thought of. And yes, it meant we could move in together when logistics allowed. I have been mentally prepping for the move. I have been spending tons of time with him. I have been hoping and believing and allowing him into every corner of my life and heart.

But it has all changed. The story isn’t the same anymore. He’d rather be out with friends than curled up with me. He doesn’t want to spend every night with me. I’m crowding him and jamming myself into his life in places he doesn’t necessarily want me. He no longer dreams of sharing a living space with me. It’s almost like the age old truth about men loving the chase. I was more interesting when I wasn’t giving him everything. Now that I am, his needs have all shifted beneath me. The playing field is entirely different and I’m playing the wrong game.
I need to back off. I need to close up. I need to pull back. Because I feel like he liked it better when I was unavailable. He wanted more and gave me more then. And I’m not talking about dinners out or gifts that come in boxes or cost money. I’m talking about him. He offered more of himself when I was offering less. And I can’t help but think I need to offer less again. I need to be more distant. I need to pull back.

When I was somewhat closed off from him, I was protected and safe. And yes, the way he wanted me made me fall for him. But he never had all of me. It’s like that made him work harder to get it. And I don’t want him to feel like he has to work to be with me. But the bottom line is that now I feel rejected. I feel like I offered what he had always asked for and it’s nothing he wants. I don’t know how else to describe it so I’ll say it again. I feel rejected.

In my mind, I was beginning to firmly believe that we could move in together when my lease is up. Today I finally decided we will most likely not do that. That it is no longer what he sees when he closes his eyes. That our future is no longer a dream of his, only of mine. And this makes me remember why I guarded my heart so closely. Because every time I let go, this happens. Every time. And the dream of a man wanting this much of me… well, it’s exactly that. A dream.

I love him. I love him madly. I am so far in I don’t know where the exit door is anymore. And I haven’t looked for it in a long time. I don’t want out, and I don’t want to play games. And this rejection, however small it is compared to the beast in my mind, it is huge to me. It reminds me that although men say they don’t want the game-playing, so many really do. Because when I let go, when I relax, this is always the end result.

He knows how I feel, it’s not a surprise. For the record, he also knows about this blog and that I still write. The agreement is that I write nothing I wouldn’t (and don’t) talk to him about. At some point or another I have said all of these things to him. I have looked him in the eye and told him I felt more loved when he thought he had to beat Big. I may not have strung these thoughts into one conversation for him, but I have said it all. I don’t know if he hears or not. I don’t know that that even really matters. All I know is that I have to find a way to pull back. I have to find a way to slam shut some of the doors I struggled to open for him. I shouldn’t have laid myself out like that. I should have been more careful.

I’m scared for us. Opening up and closing down are both very hard for me. It cost me so much to let go. And it will cost me that much more to pull back. We need to be a weekend only kind of couple again. Those are the only times he enjoys with me. I need to be a part-time girlfriend. Or so it feels to me. I need to hope that will make him want more of me again.

He knows I’m upset about something now. It was too much for me to tell him all of this in one go, so I shrugged. He told me over and over that he loves me and he isn’t leaving me. And in my mind, all I know for sure is that is what they always say right before they go.

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