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Hedrid, the Carpool Nazi

September 26, 2009

I have another personality that only breaks through when I am forced to sit in carpool lane. I am a carpool Nazi, named Hedrid. Don’t ask. I wish your children dead. I wish you to disappear into thin air so that I may move immediately to the front of the line. But mostly, I just wish you’d stay IN YOUR FUCKING CARS! Just sit there and wait for your child to enter your vehicle, then depart.

Why is this so impossible for some people?

It makes me wonder how these same individuals function in the world around them. The rules state clearly STAY IN YOUR FUCKING CAR IN CARPOOL LANE. By getting out of your car you are establishing what exactly? Did you not rebel as a child and this is your big chance? Do you know me personally and have a vendetta? At the grocery store when you see “15 Items or Less” do you disregard that, too? Want to know what I think – I think you’re just a douche. Or one of those hopeless Helicopter Moms that doesn’t believe your precious can actually put themselves in a car without your assistance. And you probably still wipe their ass. And that all equals douche in my book.

I knew I was behind Mr. Impossible on Thursday in carpool lane. I knew he was going to get out of the car as soon as he got up to the front. It was obvious he was a carpool lane virgin. Something must have been awry with his wife today. As he stepped out of the car, opened the passenger doors (both back ones), he then walked up to the front door of the school to retrieve multiple children. You could see the carpool teachers cringe at the sight of him. Out walked his eldest child, at least 8 years old – WITH A FUCKING BLANKET. Oh, and just to really make me need Advil – SHE WAS SUCKING ON ONE END OF IT! It took all my willpower to keep from flooring it and running over her and her ignorant enabler. That’s it! People who get out of their cars in carpool lane are nothing but a bunch of enablers!

Since I’m not afraid of a little assault charge and all, I have been known to roll my window down and call people stupid. There was this one time, this chick was PARKED in the carpool lane, so I drove around her. But I wasn’t quite out of her way. I didn’t know what she was doing. Her car was PARKED and vacant. For all I knew she had gone into the school and died and her car would be police evidence and not be moved for days! So I went around her. And out she came, banged on my passenger window (which my sister happened to be sitting beside). I rolled the window down, and I swear to you she stuck half her body into my car and started violently pointing her finger and swearing at me and I think she placed a spell on me or some such shit. So I pressed the roll up button on my car and watched her boobs get more and more squished as the window pressed up on her body – and she’s all yelling, “What the hell? You’re rolling your window up on my body! My body is in here, lady!! AAAAARRRRRRKKKKKK!”

So I stopped the window and asked her if she had learned her lesson about leaning into people’s cars. Then, you know in all my brilliance and creative brain material, I came up with this, “Oh. And you’re the one that’s stupid!” Because that’s how I roll. And by then it was time for me to scoot up 4 more inches in carpool lane.

And that’s all folks, true story.

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