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I’m Stuck in a Twilight Zone Episode. Help.

October 4, 2009

There is another life lesson I apparently need to learn:

Eating 5 cupcakes in a day will not resolve all the ills of raising school-age children.

Who knew?

This must be one of those secrets other parents never tell you. You know, like no one tells you about the hemorrhoids until, uh oh, it’s too late.

Or how no one tells you a nurse will insist on looking at your mutilated lady parts multiple times while you’re in the maternity ward. If my husband were to lift our bed sheet in the middle of the day because he needs to see how things are “looking down there,” I’d kick his head because obviously his brain is malfunctioning and needs to be rebooted.

It looks like something ugly enough that Nature deemed it should be covered in thick, coarse hair, duh.

But noooo, you have to allow a perfect stranger to do that very thing. Who makes up these rules? And could there be a worse time to look down there than the first 48 hours after pushing a 14.5 inch Einstein head through it?

Sure, I understand why this stuff is kept a secret – survival of the species, thank you, Mr. Darwin. Who would have kids if they knew about all the crap beforehand? No one.

But, silly me, I thought since I’m well past the stage of new parenthood that I knew all the secrets no one tells you before you become a parent.

Um no.

When your kids get to be school-aged, there’s a whole new set of secrets no one tells you. Like how much you’ll come to hate other people’s kids.

Three days after Parker’s bathroom incident, the same third grade kid stole Parker’s lunch money in the bathroom.

STOLE HIS LUNCH MONEY.

Did you know there is time warp of clichés? I wasn’t even aware such a twilight zone place existed so how did I end up in one? I guess it proves my life is just a bunch of weird Hitchcock movie scenes rolled together, though right now, I’m highly pissed at my screenwriter.

What the fuck, dude? Why don’t I at least look like a movie star instead of someone who just scarfed down 5 cupcakes with homemade buttercream icing?

So yeah, another one of those THAT JUST HAPPENED moments.

And I guess this particular movie scene still lacked a few clichés because I find out on the same day Parker’s lunch money was stolen, the same kid, THE SAME %#@$% KID tried to show everyone Payton’s underwear at PE.

What’s next? Shoving their heads in the toilet? Atomic wedgies? Thank fucking god there aren’t lockers in the school. Do you hear that, Alfred Hitchcock? NO LOCKERS.

But yo, I handled it. Of course I handled it. I’m almost a pro at this shit, which in itself is totally depressing but maybe you’d want to hire me as a consultant to cheer me up. We managed to get that kid’s name and he was addressed by the teachers.

(By the way, have I mentioned the boys both have a new PE teacher this year? One who won’t tolerate any type of teasing and bullying because he was bullied as a kid too. Yay! Not yay that he was bullied, because that shit sucks, but because he takes a strong stand against it.)

You always hear that kids are mean, just like you hear parenting is the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but you don’t quite appreciate the wisdom of the words until you have kids. I knew kids were mean, but knowing it and knowing it – not the same.

It feels like a loss of innocence, both for me and the boys. Is this a right of passage as a mom with elementary school kids, part of you has to accept mean things will be done to your kids? This something I have to become desensitized to.

Yes, he stole your money, but he ended up putting it by the urinals so you did get it back, and who doesn’t like to pick their money up at a urinal?

Yeah, he was mean to you because of who your brother is, but you weren’t physically hurt so…

Yeah, he tried to show your underwear, but it’s not like he showed them much of it, so…

Yeah, they call you weirdo, stupid, butthole, dork, but we’ll just have to ignore them, so…

A parent shouldn’t become desensitized to these things, but I guess a lot of shit happens in life. It’s definitely not a new parenting problem.

There has to be a positive to this, right? Some good, somewhere, somehow will come of it. Right now, I bet MGM is reading my blog and is about to ask me to write the script for a Revenge of the Nerds remake.

Okay, that’s the only good I can come up with right now. Help me out.

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