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May 17, 2009

My divorced friend and I were standing together watching our kids play ball in the field.

Suddenly, she blurted: “Can you believe I haven’t had sex in over two years?”

“You can not be serious,” I replied emphatically.

She laughed and shook her head. “Yes, I’m afraid I am. Since I got divorced I’ve had to go back to school and be a full-time single parent and struggle to make money. I really just haven’t had time to date.”

I tactfully asked her questions: Were there religious reasons holding her back from having sex? Was she concerned about being labeled a ‘Divorcee’? Was she afraid of intimacy? Had her ex-husband abused her?

But none of these were factors. She said, “Believe me, Grace, it’s NOT because I don’t want sex. I’ve just had so much on my plate, that ‘going without’ has become a bad habit.”

Later on that evening after tucking my kids in bed, I began wondering, “CAN going without sex, in fact, become a ‘bad habit’?” How many women put taking care of their kids and organizing their new lives so far ahead of physical intimacy that they find themselves in a serious rut? My girlfriend had expressed how pent-up she felt – moody, edgy – especially around ovulation time. She’d also expressed that her self-esteem had plummeted; she questioned if she was even desirable to men. To me, that seemed a crime – she was a lively, hardworking, beautiful woman in her prime.

Then I wondered: Is ‘going without’ harder on a woman’s over all well-being than we think?

Is it better to have sex just for sex than to ‘go without’ for TWO YEARS?

We all hear about STDS, unwanted pregnancies, commitment issues, selfish lovers and all the other ‘scary’ reasons why we should wait for the next serious relationship. But what about the times sex without love is good – or even fantastic. The times when you walk around the next day feeling a bit ‘achy’ down there and a smirk on your face. The times you walk with a skip in your step, like your cells are vibrating so much faster that everyone must know you had great sex the night before.

So I’m putting it out to you.

Do you think ‘going without’ CAN become a ‘bad habit’ with unhealthy consequences, or is it worth it? According to YOUR rules, how long could/should you ‘go without’?

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