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A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet

May 17, 2009

You know what’s wildly popular? Naming your bits. Everything from Mrs. Peach to Man That Lays Three Tracks In The Sand. I’ve never really been one for naming my business. I stick with the usual, cooter, love box, etc. Not really into the whole muffin idea or relation to fruits. And truly for a guy, ladies have you noticed, if his is named it’s usually small. Unless someone else named it for him. But you know if he whips it out and says, “You ready to meet The Beast?” laughably – he totally named that himself!

And how do you handle the pitfalls of other, past girlfriends naming it and then he wants to hold onto that name?

I’ve been fortunate enough to have dated the Man That Lays Three Tracks In The Sand, The Beast, Magnum, Love Snake, and Pete. My favorite was Pete. He named it himself and he chose that because I was always saying, “For Pete’s sake!” So he would in turn perk up and chime in with a “YES! For Pete’s sake we should really get busy!” I wonder if he’s still got his Pete, or if some chick has come along and named it something stupid like, One Eyed Monster.

My best friend had a couples shower and we played the Newlywed Game. Well, her future in-laws were there, parents, sisters, the whole lot of them. Some of the questions were pretty racy, I’m talking shit I wouldn’t even talk about in front of my future in-laws. And one of the questions was, “Do you have a name for your bits?” (This is where I should segway into how I was married at the time and I was DYING to put thumb on that card. But I won’t. I’ll humiliate him in a later post.) So the future sister-in-law had named her and her husband’s bits, “Lil girl and lil boy” which I found nauseating! But then it was her mother and father-in-law’s turn to go, the mom had no name, but they had named the dad’s “Oscar”. And I just about spewed champagne from my mouth when he said it because that just so happened to be the name of my best friend’s CAT! And she’d had this cat for a few years, it wasn’t like she could go home and start calling him Kit-Kat or something else.

I did do a guy once that really liked to talk dirty during sex – I mean REALLY dirty. And I get that could be really hot and all, but there’s only so many ways to say, “Oooohhh baby, baby, slam your big meat stick into my love snack!” or “I love it when you rub it on my round nipples.” And him with the questions! “Tell me that you like it! Tell me where you want it! Tell me I’m the best you’ve ever had!” So, ok, I do the usual, “Mmmm that feels good” mixed with some “Oh God’s”, occasionally AND only if being rewarded for hitting the right spot, otherwise you’re just stuck with a good moaner out of me. I ain’t Prince and this ain’t Erotic City, catch my drift?

Currently my business is nameless, but not unnoticed. ;-)

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