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There’s a reason “Shred” rhymes with “Dead”

April 23, 2009

So here’s the thing. I’ve been practicing the new religion of Wii Fit for over 90 days now and haven’t lost a single pound. Not a one.

Here’s why:

#1 I refuse to follow any diet that excludes alcohol. Into each of our lives a little perversion must fall, but this kind of extreme sadistic perversion is where I draw the line.

#2 I use weekend food such as nachos and pizza as my reward for making it through another week. Look! Another week and I didn’t list the kids on Craigslist! I resisted the temptation to run away! And I didn’t hurt anyone at the post office! Let’s celebrate!

#3 I like mayo on my sandwiches. Oh, I also like bread. Obviously.

#4 Damn, I have a life. I don’t have time to exercise every single day, and quite frankly, I’m beginning to wonder about women who do. Who has time for workouts when there are cookies to bake?!

I swear God gave me the ability to make terrific cookies just to make me depressed. It’s the one fucking thing I really excel at and IT MAKES ME GAIN WEIGHT.

And if that isn’t proof enough that God’s divine plan is for me is to carry around this inner tube of belly/hip fat, there’s the strange coincidence that my Wal-Mart is frequently out of Ex-lax chocolates.

Hello, God, it’s me, Grace. I know Margaret wrote an entire book of pre-teen shit to you about her period, but has anyone written to you about the early middle-age woman’s problem with post-ovulatory constipation?

There’s also the fact that my children love popcorn as an after-school snack. Popcorn is a weakness of mine. I can’t resist it. Just like my cookies. And Friday night pizza/nachos. And alcohol, chocolate covered cherries, fudge, cake, pasta, mayo, chicken salad…

Maybe this new Divine Plan of flab has a higher purpose for me. I’m not about a punishing God, so there must be something positive and enlightening and FOR THE GREATER GOOD.

Clearly God wants me to keep these ten pounds (possibly 15, depending on the availability, or lack thereof, of chocolate Ex-lax) to keep Daniel Craig from falling in love with me after a torrid love affair we have while he’s shooting a movie here in my town.

Because that’s all that’s standing between me and Daniel Craig – ten pounds of weight and inner thighs that rub together.

Oh, let’s get real. To hell with that Divine Plan shit. I tried on my capri pants the other week and only ONE pair fit. What would Daniel Craig say to that?

So I started the 30 Day Shred routine today. In fact, I *just* finished my first routine and, holy fuck, I can barely type. It feels kind of the same as when I drunk blog, only I’m not drunk. Instead, I believe my arms are about to fall off. And I didn’t even use weights!

Before I started the Shred, I thought I would be SO above all the other bloggers who started it and then moaned and whined about how sore they were. After all, I’ve been doing Wii Fit since New Years. Clearly I would sail through level one without a single modification.

Ha-ha! God has a sense of humor after all! Because I had to modify the modifications.
Anyone who doesn’t believe God is everywhere has never done Jillian Michael’s 30 day shred. I’m not the praying type, but you better believe I was praying my ass off during that last circuit of strength training.

Oh God, four more. She said four more! Help me, God, before my abs explode!

During the cardio segments, I began to wonder if I had asthma.

Dear reader, if you don’t hear from me for the rest of the week, know it’s because my body has turned into a puddle of soft, warm pudding on my den floor.

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