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Have YOU Ever Had Cyber Sex?

April 13, 2009

A newly-divorcing woman wrote me this weekend to say she’d begun Internet dating after 10 years of marriage. “But I don’t get this cyber sex thing,” she said. “It seems like many men are looking for it. And in all honesty, I’ve been tempted. Have YOU had cyber sex Grace?”

internet-sex-divorceWell shake your head and frown in indignation if you must, but YES. I HAVE had cyber sex. Only a handful of times. And only back when I first started e-dating. Not as in webcam stuff, but as in using MSN or yahoo messenger (IMs). So here are my thoughts on it for whatever they’re worth to those new to dating/ Internet dating.

I first thought the idea of cyber sex was ludicrous. Totally impersonal and a waste of time. But then one night, a brilliant two hour IM conversation with a man started to take on a new tone – THAT tone. Flirtatious comments started getting more and more personal. The nitty gritty started coming out. And alone in my office, with no one around to see or judge or know, I said “what the hay’ and kept going…

It’s hard for those who haven’t experienced IM sex to understand… But online, this weird kind of ‘energy connection’ can happen. It’s as if energy knows no time or space, like quantum physicists proclaim. Add some hormones to the picture, a social medium you’re unacquainted with, and maybe even a dash of momentary naughtiness, and suddenly it can actually FEEL like that person is in the room with you – their energy opens up to you through words.

I can’t speak for everyone else but I personally think a little bit of cyber sex helped me transition to dating/having sex again after divorce. Being single again was daunting, scary, and also rather exciting. IM sex allowed me to explore and play from the safety of my own home. It gave me a rush, it felt fun, and it was 100% totally harmless. And when you’re in the throes of divorce and life is choatic, it sometimes feels good to ‘have a thrill.’ It juxtaposes the Darkness. And it also hints that there’s a big big world out there awaiting your discovery.

In my cases, I never had cyber sex with just ‘any’ man or straight out of the starting gates of conversation; I wanted to get to know them first. And in all cases, I ended up meeting them face-to-face. I’ve heard people complain that cybersex ruins the actual in-person first date because it builds up expectations. That happened to me once, so I can see that point. Cause sometimes people act differently online than they do in person. And the fantastical world of cyberspace can be far different from reality.

I think it comes down to what your motivations and goals are in e-dating. If you’re allowing yourself to be playful and aren’t taking the whole thing too seriously, then I don’t see a problem with it; you’re an adult and can make your own decisions. Just be careful you aren’t ‘hiding’ behind your computer and letting it prevent you from real life. But if you’re really hoping to make a genuine connection with someone, I think it’s best to wait and stay clear of that sexually charged conversation to see what your chemistry is like in person.

Cyber sex is something that I personally choose to avoid at this point in my e-dating life. For various reasons. First, I don’t find it fulfilling, I find it a tease. Moreover, I’m much more comfortable with the cyberdating world now so I haven’t this need to ‘explore’ that I once had. And thirdly, at the end of the day, most men I speak with online can’t write!!!! As a writer, I get annoyed and tired of the graphic nature of their sexual descriptions. Thus, now, when men come on like raging bulls, I tell them to back off. My cardinal rule is “I DON’T do cyber sex.” They’ll have to impress me in other ways first. And THAT, my friends, happens RARELY!

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