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Where I Prove That Men Are Dogs.

April 6, 2009

We’ve all heard that expression Men are such dogs. Usually, it’s used in such a way to depict men as being assholes or jerks. But as I was feeding The Great Magoo* yesterday, I realized, you know what? Men aren’t all necessarily dogs, but they sure are like them, that’s for sure.

Especially when it comes to sex and food.

As I was dishing up a huge bowl of Dog Chow for Molly, boy was she ever excited. Her tail was wagging furiously, she couldn’t sit her butt all the way on the ground like she was supposed to and when I reached for the dog treats, all be damned if she didn’t hop up, turn two full circles, drool a-flying like mad, and then sit back down again just because she was that goddamn excited.
As we headed for her doghouse where I was going to set down her big bowl of food, her excitement was almost unbearable. She ran around the entire yard, leaping over bicycles and scooters, ducking under slides and the rockwall, performing an impressive figure 8 around the swing-set a record number of times before I could place the bowl in its normal spot, right before she came screeching to a halt next to it.

And every day when I go out to feed her brother, Monty, it’s the same thing. The routine never varies and their excitement never wanes. Their enthusiasm is almost infectious. (Damn dog has me jumping around over Dog Chow and I’ve tried it – it ain’t that good.) All this got me thinking: Is there anything that excites me THIS much? Not really.

But then it occurred to me. This excitement I’m witnessing right here? I’ve seen it somewhere… Oh I know! THIS, must be the equivalent of how excited a man feels every time he know he’s about to get laid.

Think about it.

I’ll bet you’ve even met a man or two in your life that, given enough space, would totally be doing figure 8’s on the bed just moments before he was about to get his. You’ve probably known a guy who has been so excited about S-E-X, he couldn’t sit his ass down either, and man, as soon as he found out he was going to get a little somethin’ extra – a treat, if you will – don’t tell me he didn’t turn two full circles before settling back down, with drool hanging from his mouth also.

What? You know it’s true.

And of course, I’m not talking about my *man*. I would never compare Candy Ass to a dog. Nor am I comparing any of you, my male readers, to dogs. No. But other guys. Those ones. They’re out there; I know it.

And while some of you believers might have previously scoffed at evolutionary theories, there’s no way you can possibly deny the compelling analogy I just made between man and dog now.

Fuck the little fish symbols with feet on the back of minivans. Someone get me a stick figure with a tail.

Oh jesus, get it? “Man” and “tail?” The link just gets stronger people.

*Molly is my Wheatie, and Monty is my Great Dane.

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