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Open Letters.

April 6, 2009

Dear Mother Nature,

We’ve had a little chat before. And really, I thought we were on the same page now. Apparently, we’re not. Remember two weeks ago? When it was GORGEOUS out? All sunny, and 65 degrees. I was able to show off my tanned gams in my short little running shorts, and old broken-in Nikes… with a fitted sweatshirt. I looked so athletic Barbie cute. And now, today?
Well, today of course I look super cute. However, clad in my Burberry rainboots, and Polo sweater with the threat of rain/snow coming? Well, UNACCCEPTABLE. Yes, this is me yelling. At you.

How can you tantalize my summery self with promises of sunshine and warmth only to rip it away from me a mere couple of weeks later. If I was Barbie from the Hood, I’d totally say that’s being a straight up cruelass bitch, Mamma Natche. Easter is around the corner, and the last I checked. Easter egg hunts are not made for the snow. Just sayin’.

Well, I’m sure you’re super busy, so I’ll let you go… but please, take a minute to review my request. I mean, it IS April.



Dear Tailbone,

I know, you’re not happy with me. At all. This may even be worse than that time I fell out of a stunt in cheerleading practice and “severely traumatized” you. I hated sitting on that little doughnut seat, and I refuse to do it again. Which, is why you’re very angry at me. I’m sorry, but a lady has needs too. And if I want to get busy on top of a wooden bar, or a DJ booth with very hard flooring (afterhours, folks, I AM a classy broad), and just so happen to cause some minor bruising to you… well, then so be it. I mean really, you’ll heal. Right? I’ll even give you some Darvocet or Tramadol to help with the pain. I know, you’re welcome.


Dear Sorority sisters, college, and old high school friends,

I love you all. I really, realllly do. But do you know what I realized the other day? All of you? Are married. And are having bebehs. While that’s all fine and good, and I TRULY celebrate in your happiness, I’m not going to lie, I feel kinda left out of things. I mean, just because I’m not buying a house or baby carriages, doesn’t mean that I’m not doing anything successful with my life. I have been working my ass of this past year to forage my way into this new path and future I have going for myself. And really, it’s pretty damn wonderful. So if you receive an evite to “My New Self Shower,” don’t be surprised. Because I think… well, I think that I’m doing pretty fucking awesome despite not having a ring on my finger or popping out a baby right now.

I only wish you could see that too.



Dear Delicious Cupcake that I Just INHALED,

You? Were divine.


Dear Men in My Life,

I will never understand you and your manly ways. I mean really, why must ALL of you come out of the woodwork at the same time? I think it’s a tad bit ridiculous, don’t you? Are y’all on a secret timer that all of sudden goes DIIIIIINGGGG must call up and check in with Miss Mama. Although, I’m really not complaining seeing as the ONE man I’m tres interested in seems to be on his own sense of timing (here’s looking at you) (no, you haven’t done anything WRONG per se, but things aren’t moving FORWARD either) soooo… the rest of you have been keeping me entertained. And for that, I thank you. Now, would one of you please step up and send me some flowers? That would be oh so nice. It’s been oh, 2 years since I last received flowers? True story. Let’s get on that, shall we?


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