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Defeated.

April 6, 2009

Because you’re dying to hear more about my migraines and associated suffrage, let me just sum it up in one word: fuckityfuckfuckmotherfuckerfuckingshit.

Whew. I feel better.

Actually, I don’t. I’m only one day in on the Topamax and yes, it takes four full weeks (FOUR GODDAMN WEEKS) to get up to full dose on it, but I felt worse yesterday than the day before. So, you know, I’d like to wave my white flag, roll over and just die.

Might sound extreme, but honestly, I’m just so defeated.

I’m having headache-less migraines. Supposedly. Meaning, I have vision problems (can see better than 20/20, but can’t focus or concentrate on anything without causing major eye strain) which causes a very weird, uncomfortable lightheadedness that – no exaggeration – makes me feel like I’m going to lose consciousness. Like, I literally look for a place to sit down and close my eyes to relax them before my eyes roll back into my head. Which then triggers a panic attack from hell, because no one wants to hit the newsroom floor at work, you know? It’s embarrassing.

These headache-less migraines seem to be triggered by light especially – driving in the daytime, computer screen and good god, who the fuck invented florescent lighting? That’s the worst. But because I rarely actually get a headache, I feel like a complete lunatic because how do you explain those symptoms as a migraine?

Oh, and did I mention I’ve had these “migraines” EVERY DAY SINCE OCTOBER?

And let me tell you – I’ve been to:
– my regular doctor
– an opthamologist (with a second opinion scheduled… for March fucking 18th because why not wait another 3 weeks to live a normal life?!)
– my neurologist

And all of them believe it’s an ‘atypical migraine.’

I’ve also had a full brain MRA, tried Fioricet, Treximet, Propranolol and now Topamax as well as cutting out caffeine… even my beloved Starbucks. (Do you know how many gasps I’ve had to endure in my local Starbucks store the few times I’ve attempted to begin a relationship with decaf?)

(P.S. Decaf – You’re a bitch.)

I don’t know what to do now. I feel like honestly, it’s never going to end. I’m living two lives. One, where I still somehow manage to get my kids to school, ice hockey, soccer and baseball practices and meet with clients and the other where the entire time I’m driving, I pray I won’t have to pull over or I’m meeting with my client and hoping it won’t end abruptly when they see my eyes roll back into my head, because hey, that could be bad for business.

And frankly, I may crack little jokes here and there (like the fact that I’ve decided to give up migraines for Lent – and I’m not Catholic) but really? I can hardly function anymore. I give up.

So…?

**

P.P.S. Allegedly, “fuckityfuckfuckmotherfuckerfuckingshit” is not a word according to Blogspot. I beg to differ.

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