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Maybe You Just Shouldn’t Do What a Bar Bathroom Wall Says.

April 1, 2009

So I was in the bathroom at the Atomic Cowboy earlier tonight, and someone had written “LIVE EVERY DAY AS IF IT WAS YOUR LAST” on the wall of the stall which is really horrible advice because if it was really my last day on earth I’d spend that day calling all the people who have wronged me to tell them they’re fucking assholes. But then you’d wake up the next morning and BAM, you’re still alive and now your voicemail is filled with people yelling at you because they all got the messages you left last night. I was going to write this all on the stall but I couldn’t find a sharpie. And then like a month later you’d be at a party and you’d totally run into one of the people you called but you don’t remember telling them how much they suck because you were probably drunk because who’s going to be sober on their last day on earth? Not me, motherfuckers.

And so I’d be all “Oh hi, you!” and they’d be like “Um…didn’t you leave me a voicemail calling me a giant whorebag?” and then I’d be all “Oh. Awk-ward.” But then I’d be all, “But I mean, you are kind of a whore. You slept with my ex-fiance, remember? Whore?” Which would actually be kind of awesome. Okay, I’ve changed my mind. This is excellent advice. Expect some calls tonight, assholes.

PS. I tried to look up the “Live every day like it’s your last” saying to find the author but google was all “Did you mean ‘Live every day like no one’s watching’?” which I think means you can dig your thong out of your ass crack during important business meetings. I am totally going to get promoted.

Comment of the day: The only place with really bad bathroom stall wall advice is Wal-Mart. One time, I found my mom’s phone number written there.

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