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Hurt and Confused

March 7, 2009

For the first time in a long time, I don’t know what to do next. My heart has been completely shattered into so many pieces that I don’t think I can put them all back together. I don’t know why it is so hard… this is nothing new. He continues to break my heart over and over and I come back for more pain. I just love him so much and would walk through fire for him, take a bullet for him, blah, blah, frickin’ blah… you get my drift.

I just wish things were different. 3 years ago (today) was when it all started. The beginning of something so very magical that reality was finally better than my dreams. We had all of these plans, plans that everything would work out even though we were 1000 miles away. That distance often times tested our relationship, and it only showed itself to be stronger. The thought of losing you and not having you as an integral part of my life definitely freaks the hell out of me and makes me cry harder and harder every time I think about it. I’ve done nothing but fulfilled all of the promises I’ve made… except for one, and I hate myself for it. I have yet to move out to California to be with you. As much as I want to, it is just so complicated right now. So many commitments are keeping me tied down. I want to start a life with you, I want to be the mother of your children and your wife. I am already so in love with you and your kids. It hurts. It is a pain that never leaves. I feel empty inside; like a part of me is missing and I can’t find it anywhere.

I don’t think you’ll see this or even take the time to look, but baby, if you do… I’d really like to figure things out. Things have been so unbelievably hard the past few days. I know I brushed it all off and acted as if I didn’t care, but deep down — nothing crushes me more than to hear you says those 2 words (“I’m Done”)… it makes me want to curl up into a ball and just die. My only reason for getting out of bed is Blake. I am depressed, and have found that I am very unhappy. You are my happiness, the light of my world, and the reason I smile so much. I love you my CK… I love you so much it is insane. I was playing old voicemails today and I giggled and cried. I just want to be your girl, your baby.

Please just give me time.

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