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You Didn’t Fool Me

November 12, 2008

You thought I’d be fooled by your Indian silk hair wrap (read: crappy bandana) made by poor women in underground shelters. Maybe you thought I’d be distracted by you hemp capri pants, jingling anklet, or jesus joggers. Or perhaps you imagined I’d be blinded by your long grizzly arm pit hair staring at me through your strategically holed 100% organic cotton t-shirt.
But, you obviously didn’t know who you were dealing with, because no matter how you dress it up – in this case as a cute monkey with a furry tail, sweet little ears, and a convenient little zipper pouch for all your soy nuts and bongs – it was still a LEASH that I saw on your child.

And that, my crunchy poser, is just plain WRONG. You might as well just go drink some milk, eat a hot dog, and throw on a polyester suit. Actually, that would have been a better choice.

Is it really that hard to drink your wheat grass extract and chase after your child? Do you really need a free arm to roll your naturally grown tobacco in 100% recycled paper? How much time does it take you to change your washable sanitary pad?

You are a disgrace to me and my twice removed granola cousins. Shame. on. you.

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