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Crocs of Shit

November 12, 2008

I think the downfall of this country is arguably not violence on television, or what exactly high fructose corn syrup is doing to our brains, but really, what the hell people see in these shoes:

You think foreigners believe we’re snobby or mannerless and that’s why they turn their nose down at us? Um, no. It’s because they can’t believe we’re walking around with those clodhoppers on our feet.

Sorry. Even the Ballet Flats scare me.

I imagine at one point in time, someone, somewhere said the same thing about flip flops. “You put WHAT between your toes? And you’re calling them WHAT? Because they make that sound?”

Well, let me be the one to say the same thing about Crocs.

I know. They’re incredibly comfortable! They don’t slide off! They’re “garden chic!”
And if you get stranded on a desert island, a passing airplane will be able to see those ridiculously large, floppy orange shoes on your feet!

I’ll take two pairs. You can never be too prepared.

“But you won’t fall off your boat” they tout on the website.

Thanks. I was really worried about that. I think I’ll just risk slipping on my totally non-existent BOAT. Oh, that’s why all of America is wearing them. They all have boats and I don’t. Bastards!

And not only will you not slip on your boat, they’ll keep you married! (Seriously, go read the website. Their marketing tactics are fascinating). Yes. Because no one else will want to have sex with you if you walk around with those large clunkers on your feet.

And while I find the fact that they resist bacteria somewhat interesting, when did that become a criteria for a good pair of shoes? And is it really that the material resists germs or that you just scare the shit out of bugs when you clop around in their direction?

I’ve tried to figure out the appeal. Maybe it’s because I have gigantic (and as you remember from all lovely commentersvery sexy) feet and calling attention to them — sort of like wearing a big sign on my ass that says “Hi. I’m HUGE. In case you didn’t notice” would not be my smartest fashion move.

But I’m not the only one who hates Crocs, or thinks they are incredibly dangerous. Okay, I didn’t really think they were dangerous but apparently they are. Who knew?. In fact, there are whole organizations that exist to rid the world of the evil that is Crocs.

Here’s my new moral compass: What would I do with them if they accidentally fell in the back of my stroller?

I’d return them immediately.

And you thought me devoid of a conscience.

So, how do you feel about crocs? If you love them, tell me why. If more people LOVE them vs. HATE them, then I will go and steal myself a pair and wear them at Blogher. Okay. I’ll actually buy them. But I will do it. So, vote carefully people.

And congrats Vicky. You won a shirt for your wee one. Email me for the details!

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